Saturday, 11 August 2012

Spam-heads & Drunken farts.

Greetings Poozers,
Big D bounds once more unto the breach to give you more classic covers.
How about this for starters:

Luthor's tits! What are those people looking at? Forget that he can use his super-speed to phase through solid matter, travel back in time and break the light barrier... I mean those bystanders see that everyday. But to see the Flash with a head that rivals Gorilla Grodd's swollen helmet... I mean, I see people in red spandex with super-powers with physical deformities everyday... and I wouldnt dream of staring. Just plain rude. If I was Flash I'd punch them all to death. That'll learn 'em!
Anyone remember that fad in the 80s when being a kid meant running around and slapping unsuspecting victims on the forehead and shouting 'SPAM'.... Aaaah, happier times. Flash... you dirty Spam Head!

And for the next dose of comic-cover-goodness, here's one of my favourite Iron Man covers:

Now its great for a number of reasons. Its great because it captures Tony Stark's realisation that his drinking and lifestyle have spiralled out of control to the point where his alcoholism is ruining his life as both an industrialist and superhero. Okay thats a given. But its the expression. This expression is not brought about by this terrible revelation as he looks at his dishevelled and broken self in the mirror. No, no... Tony is only human. He's been boozing all night, he's had a kebab from the local take-away and then he's sat down to take stock of himself before having a good old drunk fuelled fart.... and the poor fucka has followed through! Thats the truth of it folks. If your a true believer, you'll believe that and you'll love me for telling you. SHAZAM!
The imprudent floating of drunken air biscuits is ill advised.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Awkward teamings...

Greetings Terrans,
Anyone remember The Champions?
No loss of kudos if you dont. They were a rather short lived Marvel team from the70s.
I mean The Defenders roster at any given time was usually a strange collection of loners and outcasts...

But The Champions? Who on Earth put these mixture of motely knobbers together?

Two X-Men rejects, a Russian defector, a stunt rider turned Spirit of Vengeance and a Greek Demi-god.
Aaah, I dont mean to be too harsh. Reality is, I own every Champions comic as I adore anything with my main man Herc in. They are fun, but lack of interest due to a run of B-list villains and awkward scripting led to its early demise. It may be worth noting that no member of the Champions (except Ghost Rider) had ever had his or her own, solo comic up to this point. In 1973 Ghost Rider got his own title,

but Black Widow hadn't been seen since Daredevil 124 and neither Iceman or Angel had been seen since X-Men 94. It wouldnt be a mega 33 years later that Hercules got his own regular title with the Incredible Hercules in 2008. Although he had, had one or two 4 issue limited series, and countless appearances in Thor and Avengers comics.
Their foes included:
Swarm - A Nazi bee-keeper whose creations had turned on him.
Pluto (that Herc's uncle, God of the Underworld, not the Disney dog)
The Porn Quartet consisting of STD Man, The Cock Ring, Herpes Simplex and Fanny Crab.
Ok... I made that last one up.
But here's a special treat.... talking of cock rings...

Just less than one half of The Champions: Me as Hercules and the lovely Kate as Black Widow. Excelsior!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

How tall is Absorbing Man and where are the Houses of Parliament?

Greetings Earthicans,
Im here again to share some more delicious comic cover imagery from yester-year to astound and baffle your heightened, but barely adequate nerd-senses.
Comic covers are a work of art. They are a piece of social history. Some are so iconic that they echo down through the ages and become synonymous with the hero they represent, standing alone as a testemant to a classic moment in comic history.
Of course, in the 70s & 80s a comic cover often had little to do with what went on inside the comic. Spidey plummeting into a vat of toxic waste on the cover, might mean that Peter Parker chafes his hands on some rather rough paper toweling during the story and Hulk being bombarded with nuclear warheads on the cover, might mean he strokes a cow in a field.
So whats this about? Maybe they get hit by a giganto-ray during the comic?.... Nah... read it... doesnt happen. They fight, they smash, they fall off...

Oooo 'ang on a minute... I can remember Absorbing Man being 100ft high and fighting Thor... Nuff said.

And here is Mr. Nasty-and-balds first appearance waaay back in Journey into Mystery 114 (March 1965)

Aaaah, 'The Stronger I am, the Sooner I die!' what a tag-line. They just dont write them like that anymore.

Anyways, Spider-Man #95 (1971), check out the cover. LOVE IT!

Watch our Bobbies go! Leaping into action without a care for their own safety and with barely more than a wobble of the tit-like appendage on the top of their heads. Look at that one in the background. He's better than Spider-Man! Im glad the rest of the world see our police force as psuedo-superhuman tit wearers. It comforts me.
And that poor thug at the front is getting his ass handed to him Rodney King style, by our be-truncheoned constabulary, while Spider-Man is dodging bullets a-plenty as the gun-toting, goons hang from the windows of Tower Bridge and ride atop the double decker tour bus, whilst making tea for their Auntie.
Tour Guide:'Please ignore the terrorist on the roof of the bus firing a semi-automatic weapon at a costumed vigilante.On your left you will see the famous St. Catherines dock, and the Inn where Charles Dickens himself penned some of his classic, Victorian literature. On your right you can see Spider-Man and some policeman kicking the shit out of some man with a moustache.... Oh and theres Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament again....Didnt we pass the Houses of Parliament on Westminster Bridge?'
Since when were the Houses of Parliament next to Tower Bridge? Ok, American comic book artists, how would you like it if I drew Disneyland next to Disneyworld...? Eh? Eh?

Friday, 20 July 2012


Greeting Earthlings.
Over my next few blogs I'll be hoping to share some classic moments from comic book history with you. First appearances, my favourite comic covers, and an in-depth look into some of comics most loved super-heroes as well as some of its more embarassing B-listers.
My comic sack is always full, and I am always eager to disemmenate its contents onto a willing audience.
Feast your eyes on two comic covers of yester-year (silver & bronze age) that I found on a rummage through said sack.
Now Ill be honest, and Kryptonian Warrior may kick my ass, but I am not one of Superman's biggest fans. Sure, I reserve an amount of pomp reverance for the icon, the hero, the legend that is he, but my vast collection sadly lacks any volume of Superman comics (I only have a measly 114 Superman comics in assorted titles).
Im even less of a fan of his long time pal Jimmy Olsen. But what can I say? This comic cover had it all for me. Batman being pressed slammed and Superman taking a nice, solid, side kick to his abdomen? OOOF! And not by an irrate Solomon Grundy, or indeed Lex Luthor in Kryptonite armour.... But by none other than Jimmy himself! What a dude.

I mean just look at Jimmy. He looks like he's gonna get all Bane on Batman's ass, and I've seen Superman take direct hits from artillery and still remain standing, but Jimmy's kick even has Superman going for a burton. I bet your just dying to know what goes on inside the comic? Has Jimmy gone mad? Is Jimmy actually saving Batman after a fall from a high building, whilst simultaneously swatting a fly on Supermans abdomen? Well tough titty. You'll never find out. It's mine, and I open my comics for NO-ONE! (Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen No.92 1966)

My next cover has something you probably thought you'd never see. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and over 6ft tall. Hmmm.... Yes, he does sound rather arian doesnt he? But who would have ever thought that Thor the mighty God of Thunder would be taking orders from Hitler himself? Yes, rub your eyes in disbelief. That is Adolf Hitler on the cover and that is Thor being his bitch.
Who'd have thunk it eh? But it happened kids, it happened... Ein, Zwei, Drei...
(Invaders No.32 1978)

Sunday, 22 January 2012


Greetings Earth Dwellers, and once more unto the breach as we arrive at the penultimate entry in my Top 5 Alternative Animated Features countdown.
The most memorable cartoon experiences come of course from our childhood, when wonderment and suspension of disbelief allow us to experience the symphony of colour, movement and sound to its fullest extent. But not all of these experiences survive a revisit.
Although nostalgia is a powerful thing, the true test is watching it again and whether as an adult you are able to embrace it as you did when you were a child. The myriad levels and depth of some cartoons are such that they can always be enjoyed with any amount of watching.
Animalympics was one such animated feature.

At its most basic, its about animals (albeit anthropomorphic ones) competing in the Olympic games. Fantastic idea to begin with, as we've all asked the questions: Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a buffalo? Who would win in a race between a Crocodile and a leopard? etc. All these questions and more are answered in this film. But also the voice characterisations, the subtle humour and tongue-in-cheek puns, the story of adversity, triumph, love, and joy, combine to make an animated spectacle that I have always been able to watch and enjoy since I first saw it in 1985. The cherry on the top is the masterful soundtrack that was composed and performed by Graham Gouldman (10cc Bassist) and compliments the cartoon to sublime effect.

With the Olympics here upon us, in our very capital, Animalympics is perhaps more topical than ever.
Enjoy another muscial clip from the film and Ill see you at the next blog.
Big D out.

Fire & Ice and all things nice.

A stirring score. Dark, stylised animation. Sword meets sorcery. It could only be Ralph Bakshi, and it could only be Fire & Ice.

Best known for his works: Lord of the Rings, Wizards, and Fritz the Cat, Ralph Bakshi teamed up with fantasy artist Frank Frazetta for the (1983) animated feature Fire & Ice.
Although given limited release and financially unsucessful, the film is no less enjoyable than any of the classic fantasy romps that were around at the time. Beastmaster, Conan et al.
In my opinion Bakshi's dark, brooding style coupled with the realisation of Frazetta's artwork make for a heady combination that is difficult to forget.
Of course the reason it is at my No.1 of alternative animated features is, as always, because of the lowest common denominator. A scantily clad woman. Princess Teegra.

She was the first, and probably only, cartoon character I lusted after with all the pant arousing passion that any young man could muster. Barefooted and wearing a microkini that remarkably defied all the laws of physics, she bounced around the screen with the wanton abandon of an over inflated novelty armchair.
Now I realise that Frank Frazetta's fantasy women are exactly that. Fantasy. Although porn star Daphne Rosen does bear some resemblence.

But I was young and impressionable... and, as most nerdy teenagers are, pathetic and desperately horny.
But all hornyness aside its an animated classic and a definate must for all fantasy fans.
Heres the theatrical trailer for the movie. Hopefully it'll whet your appetite and you'll go and watch it on Youtube.

If you can, watch the movie. NOW! There are some truly great moments. Pay special attention to the finale. Its essentially the Battle of Yavin, Death Star run, but through the ice trenches of Necron's stronghold, and instead of X-wings its Dragon Hawks. Fantasy-tastic!
There it is. The final installment in my Top 5 Alternative Animated Features.
Keep tuning in kids, and Ill see you at the next blog.
Big D out.