Sunday, 17 October 2010

Return of the dry heavies.

Greetings Earthlings,
My second installment, although not chronological to my horror experiences, caught me at a rather delicate moment during my youthful days of drug indulgence and hence the memory is still difficult to shake.
Funnily enough it still remains one of the only Horror films I have never revisited. The memory has never been exorcised.... oh and it is one of the shittest films ever commited to celluloid. (Yeah, yeah they stopped using celluloid... blah blah)
The year is 1985 and anything goes... or rather went. Return of the Living Dead was of course a work of genius... No, no, thats not those crazy drugs talking, it can be enjoyed even now. Its no less than the horror film that spawned the now ubiquitous zombie catchphrase 'BRAINS...'  A tongue-in-cheek romp, with almost indestructible, highly mobile, talking... yes, talking, zombies. I know, I know, it sounds absolutely shit. But if you havent seen it please give yourself a treat.

1988 saw a shakey sequel, Return of the Living Dead II which was... fun, having seen the first one.
Then of course we hit the 90's... The decade that taste forgot. Ill set the scene:
Our small, merry band excitedly rented the video, we got totally stoned, we ate a bargain bucket of KFC and settled down in a dark room to watch Return of the Living Dead III...

Throughout the film she adds to her 'look', screwing rusty springs into her skin and pushing septic thumb tacks through her face. I have spared you what I consider the most pointlessly graphic and nipple piercing scenes. Needless to say it wasnt what we expected. Now please, before I continue give me credit. I can handle gore. I can watch emergency room documentaries while eating spaghetti bolognaise with meatballs, but it was the sheer pointlessness of it. A young, beautiful girl slowly and sensually mutilating herself, graphically as the camera fades gently in and out of scene like some soft porn movie. Now I think self harm was invented in the 90s as well, and I was an angst teenager up to the age of about 25, so coupled with the weed and the KFC this scene caught me just right. Luckily I wasnt the first to fold. Darren, who, credit to him is among the most stoic of Horror viewers a friend could ever wish for, pardoned himself for a series of violent wretches in the garden. Of course vomitting can be a lot like laughing. When one starts...
Thankfully I escaped with but a few bouts of the dry heavies, but you'll be glad to know that come the conclusion of our communal garden foray we reconvened back in the darkly lit room to bravely finish the pile of crap that is Return of the Living Dead III never to speak of the moment ever again.
Please tune in to my next blog for nostalgic Halloween moment 3 when things start to get a little bit bloody...
Big D out.


  1. Very, very glad to see you with a blog now. And off to a roaring start!

  2. Aaaah thanks bud!
    Gawd bless!

  3. I have these three, the first two are great. I watched the next two or three, all those merge together into a pile of shit.

  4. Its kinda like the Rocky films eh?

  5. reminds me of the time i watched the oscars with Rob. As James Cameron muttered "I am king of the world" He (rob) chucked up a bright orange stream of wotsits. Those two moments are forever linked in my mind

  6. Hahahaha... Classic!
    Is it a Rob I know?

  7. Haha Big D you have a gift for telling stories. That is GROSS though. Don't you know I am terribly afraid pf puke and puking? I've actually never seen Return of the Living Dead 2 or 3 but I am intrigued now and must see this mess that almost caused Big D to toss his chicken...!

  8. Ahh...heady days. Was it the weed? Was it the funky confines of that grotty little KingsCross half-way house? Or was it the sight of a pretty young woman seductively self-harming for our delectation and delight? Who can say? But like true nerd troopers, we watched the first StarTrek TNG movie afterwards as I recall... "You lovely little lifeforms".