Saturday, 5 November 2011

Music to my ears, and more than meets the eye.


This cartoon has got it all. Life, death, high drama, and robots that turn into dinosaurs.
As well as Eric Idle, Orson Wells, and Mr. Spock. Ooh I nearly said Dr. Spock there, and you would have had to kill me.
The music for the film was nothing short of rocktastic! and had me punching the air (as well as my friend sat next to me) at every power chord and every exhilirating 80s Def Zeppelinny Halenesque riff that was tortured from the guitar.
I readily admit that NASA had to be contacted in order to calculate how many times I actually watched this movie/cartoon. Its off the fucking charts!


Transformers the Movie (1986) is where it was at, and in my nostalgia filled mind where it still is. Hollywood can keep their crappy Transformer films (you know the ones Im talking about) and kiss my shiny metal ass! Proving that simplicity is the key to adventure. It wasnt overburdened with bollocksy character developement or building to an ultimately dissapointing climax through tedious narrative. It started... there was a fight... then another fight... then some sentimentality... then another fight... then a break... then another fight... then a huge fight... and then it finished. PERFECT!
This has to be my Number 3 favourite alternative animated feature.
Ba weep granna weep ninny baap!

Monday, 16 May 2011

Where do we all live?

Were do we we all live?
Well if you were smoking Morrocan Woodbines and listening to the Beatles in the 60s the answer would be: A Yellow Submarine.

The song released in 1966 would be the inspiration for an animated film of the same name 2 years later. I first saw it when I was 6 years old. I didnt have much in the way of musical taste, but was privvy to dad's occaisonal drunken frolic to the music of the Beatles.
I know its quite fashionable and some people think its a bold statement of their individuality to say that they do not like the music of the Beatles. I say these people are stunted, pretend, little half creatures, who will ultimately lead very sad lives. Its not because in all sincerity they dislike the Beatles, but usually because they think it gives them such an air of debonair chic to be contrary to such a monumentally, important episode in the history of music. In short, they are arse-heads.
Yellow Submarine gave me, a very young boy at the time, a context for the Beatle's music and so I instantly fell in love with the film. It was pretty much like an hour and a half music video of the Beatles.
The story, characters, music and highly stylised visuals and animation conspire together to make what I consider a fantastic animated experience.
Many years later I met one of the animators of the film, Geoff Loynes, who now, of all things makes his living as Santa Claus. An old-school animator, he is an absolute joy to converse with and still remembers the film fondly.
Although the opening is somewhat grey and desolate it had me hooked from the chorus: Aaaaaaah look at all the lonely people....

So No.4 in my Top 5 Alternative Animated Features is: Yellow Submarine, and to see you out here is one of my favourites from the film.

See you next blog for No.3.
Big D out.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Watership Down but not out.

Greetings Earthlings. Lets talk cartoons shall we?
A colourful interplay of sights and sounds; larger than life, but totally accesible to the youngest of viewers.
Cartoons are a veritable Aladdin's cave of sacred memories for us all.

Luminaries such as, Disney, Hanna & Barbera, and the Warner Bros. stable each deserve a blog of their own, as perhaps does every anime studio. Maybe I'll visit these in later blogs, but rather than me bang on about their merits here, let me introduce you to my Top 5 Alternative Animated Features.
These are the ones I had on VHS and watched endlessly, or rented at the weekend from the local Video rental store (aaaah the 80s) to watch ad infinitum over the weekend, only to have my brother do exactly the same when he came of age. They are therefore indelibly etched on my psyche and their sentiments always in my heart.
Saying that I do remember purposely taping over one of my brother favourites: Flash Gordon (The Greatest Adventure of all). He used to watch the shitting thing 4 times a day.

Now awash with nostalgia after watching that, Ill probably go and watch the other 9 parts. It reminded me of happier times when my brother was a cute kid with missing front teeth and a lisp, when WWF moves were so much easier to do on him, and his will was that much more pliable. Rather than the billigerant, whiskey swigging, misanthrope he has become.

While Im here I'll use this blog a forum to express my regret at taping over my brothers treasured memory:
Im sorry for taping over your cartoon Adam, which you then spent the rest of your life searching for.
Here is a missing piece of your lost childhood. Please watch the rest of it on Youtube... AND STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I TAPED OVER IT WHEN YOU WERE 8 YEARS OLD!
Aaaaand Im back in the room.
So my No.5 Alternate animated feature is:


With its dark and menacing undertones and its unabashed violence and horror (for a cartoon), many have argued that Watership Down is not for children. I say because of this, it is one of the most important childrens cartoons ever. An emotional tale of sentimentality, comedy, comeraderie, mortality and triumph over adversity, It ticks all the boxes. It certainly does not shy away from the sheer brutality of nature, and at times the horror is very palpable... but it is a cartoon. No one ever got upset because Jerry cut Tom's head off.
You have the accessability of a cartoon with some very grisly and indeed real, if unfortunate, aspects of life wrapped in superb story telling.
If a child has ever been traumatised by Watership Down then there was something wrong with the kid, not the film.
Cementing Watership Down's reputation as a life affirming experience, Nigel Hawthorne, John Hurt, Richard Briers and Zero Mostel use their vocal talents to sublime effect.

So, Watership Down, No.5 in my Alternative Animated Features list. Please tune into my next blog when we'll whip off the veil to reveal what is at No.4
Big D out.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Im Bane and Im WINNING!

The place: Design & Business Centre, Islington, London
The Event: Kapow! Comic Convention

I stalked the comic lined aisles of  Kapow! like a predator looking for my next victim.

'Hey... Bane... Can we get a pic with you?'
CRACK!
I must have broken the back of nearly a hundred people over the weekend. Happy smiling faces as they dangled over my knee like broken ragdolls.

No one was safe. Women, children, the socially inept...

By the second day I had already cemented my reputation and it preceded me.
'Hey... Bane... Can you break my back?'

Aaah, it was veritable music to my ears, and happily I broke backs for a second day.
I honestly dont think there was much of the weekend that I didnt come out of character.The mask hardly came off. I went to the pub and ordered drinks as Bane.

I went to the corner shop as Bane. And to my wifes chagrin I refused to take it off at bedtime.
There was a moment between me and the Landlady at O'Neils on Saturday evening, when she asked me to remove my mask.... I simply gave her the steely Bane stare and said:
'Do you know who I am woman?'
'Ill take it off for you...', she retorted.
And preceded to peel my mask off and dangle it infront of me. It could have been a Mary Jane and Spidey moment, and I must admit I did feel a touch of romance wash over me... But alas. I am Bane, and there is no room in my life for such things. Oh yeah, and my wife probably wouldnt have appreciated it.
The culmination of the weekend for me, was winning the cosplay parade. My stage performance left me feeling giddy and crapulent, and I lumbered from the stage doe eyed, grinningly inanely and cooing gently to myself.... under my Bane mask.
When I went up with the five finalists and was announced as the winner, Im sure I left my body for a second, and hovered... looking down at an achievement that a month ago was the stuff of fantasy and reserved for my daydreams.
I had gone to a Comic Convention.... dressed as Bane.... And I had won the coplay parade...

If I was younger I probably would've jizzed my pants. Being older and wiser I thought it would be better if I didnt, and I was right. A limited edition Tron box set XBox360 thingy was mine and the promise of VIP tickets to next years event. But more than anything the sheer joy of attending the weekend and meeting the people I did was kudos enough.
I knew a fair few people there. Dom, John and Dexter were legends. Claude was his usual inimitable self. Staff from Orbital and GOSH looked rosey cheeked and plump of fetlock. But I finally got to meet the people that had made everthing possible. HA:UK, thats Heroes Alliance UK for those of you not up on your acronyms. They are a group of super-powered humans, affiliated the Make A Wish foundation and do sterling work for charity. I love each one of them, and have decided to have their babies.

My special thanks goes out to Fran, Joe, Paul, Callum, Nick, Holly, Emmy, Ryan, Kate, Clare, Anais, Claire, David, Lee, Gareth, Max, Gemma, Drunkley(?), Stewart, Celia, Matt, Chelsea.... I really hope I havent missed anyone...
Please share my glory by watching the 2 videos of the cosplay parade:


Here are three of my favourite photos. One of me and a kid dressed as Batman, one of me showing that Bane does have a soft spot for Batman, and one done for me by my friend Chris.

Please continue to tune into my blog as normal service has now been resumed.
Big D out.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

The Blackest of Holes.

A slighlty darker tale than the usual Disney outings of the time, and riding on the tail of the Behemoth that had thundered through our lives in 1978 to leave its footprint indelibly on the sidewalk of sci-fi, cinema history,The Black Hole was at best, a forgettable story with some very memorable characters and moments.
Vincent as the sass talking, hovering robot and Ol' Bob as a forgotten, obsolete model with a redneck accent were instantly endearing to the young, Disney staple viewer such as myself.
Maximillian Schell as Reinhardt was delightlfully, manical and menacing in equal measure

and the rest of a very solid cast (Anthony Perkins and Ernest Borgnine et al) gave adequate performances.
But I think as a movie for youngsters it is ultimately... unsatisfying. Watching it again as an adult, I still like it and think there is some great moments, but most importantly the very unsettling and spooky moments seem just as spooky as when I watched it as a kid.
That bit where Anthony Perkins rips the mask off of the face of a supposed robot to find a zombified crew member, is still vivid and chilling.


Which brings me to my raison d'blog: Spooky Robots.
Maximillian is at No.1. There you have it.

Not because he is singularly the most spooky of robots, but simply because in this film is he put in a context that makes him a truly awful thing. An enforcer and taskmaster to the zombie crew members. A sadistical, silent, bully whose only appendages seem to be for the sole purpose of shredding people he deems fit to shred. And that dog-like obedience and loyalty he expresses for Reinhardt, which culminates in the horribly spooky scene where Maximillian and Reinhardt embrace in space and then become merged as one atop a precipice in a Hell-scape within the Black Hole. Egad! Freakily spooky!


So ends the Top 5 Spooky Robots countdown. Please tune in to my next blog where we'll find out if I have any ideas left.
Big D out.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Stepford MILF's

A great sci-fi thriller. The 1975 original was a great piece of social satire, and still makes for both chilling and thought provoking watching today. Full of twee, effete housewives in floppy hats, flowery dresses and pinnies gliding around in a very unstettling suburban dream.
I could swear some of the sets were re-used in the late 70s early 80s porn films as, Im sure, were some of the wives.... and if they weren't they should have been. Grrrrr...
Im not sure I fully understood its impact when I first watched it as a kid. It was billed as sci-fi/Horror, yet there were no monsters, no robots that looked like robots, and definately no space battles. Of course the chills came from much subtler devices. The growing concern and eventual maniacal, panic of Katherine Ross is played to perfection and is really what carries the story along so effortlessly. The scene that still haunts me today is the films climax. It hasnt lost any of its power and it still gives me a twinge of the galloping hoopazootiks.


video

Of course many films have used the doppleganger to chilling effect. Both Invasion of the Bodysnatcher films (1956 & 1978)  were masterful, and I've even mentioned The Two Faces of Evil from the Hammer TV show in an earlier blog, as my most chilling doppleganger moment. Even in the scene above with her nipples like carpenters thumbs, and a pair of devil's dumplings so pert you could tell the time by them (Im sure they said a quarter to nine), it doesn't detract from the horror, but cleverly juxtaposes it with something titillating and arousing. A combination that always makes me shift uncomfortably in my seat.
'...Help me somebody.... I dont know how I feel...'
Heres another great scene which proves spookyness doesnt need ghosts or the supernatural:


video



I thought we were friends indeed... Spooky robot No.2: The Stepford Wife.

Now before I sign off, time for another quick rant:
What the fuck did they do with the 2004 Stepford Wives remake? You thought I'd forgot about that eh?
Not fucking likely.
Christ! They had a half decent cast as well. Nicole Kidman can do a very good beleaguered wife (Dead Calm), Glen Close can definately do spooky (Fatal Attraction) and Bette Midler.... Well, she can do anything, and usually does.
A comedy? A bad comedy at that. It cut the dangling balls straight from under the true story's hairy crotch.
The Maitres of the Hollywood Cookie Cutter and the non-existent audiences they think theyre appealing to..... A little message.... FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL..... HOLLYWOOD IS DEAD TO ME!
That is all...
Tune in for No.1 in the top 5 spookiest Robots countdown in my next blog.
Big D out.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Robo-ginga!

Little bit of an esoteric one this. I am hoping some 'real' nerds read my blog, as its only a 'real' nerd who would know what Im talking about when I say: Demon Seed.
1977. (Again with the 70s!) The lovely Julie Christie stars as in a rather strange role that has her impregnated, or rather raped and impregnated, if you want to get down to mechanics, by an artificially intelligent computer called Proteus IV.
Proteus IV is apparently a system, incorporating organic elements in a quasi-neural-matrix giving it, to all intents and purposes, the power of thought. Now the voice alone is spooky. Spooooookily spooky, and believe it or not, it is none other than the voice of Robert Vaughn, who requested his name be removed from the credits. Vaughn in my opinion does the best spooky computer voice EVER!

But this is the Top 5 Spooky Robot Countdown, I hear you cry! Of course children, of course. Proteus IV isnt my choice.
It's Proteus VI's offspring that is so spooky it has to be seen to be believed.... (ROBO-GINGA ALERT!)




Another creeped-out creation of Proteus' is an invalid's wheelchair with a mechanical limb attached to it. Yes, you heard me correctly. Like something straight out of Herbie Hancock's 'Rockit'.
So, what do you call the child of an artificial intelligence and a human? I suppose the term 'robot' will fit loosely. This particular robot gains a hell of a lot of extra spook points for having ginger hair as well. (ROBO-GINGA ALERT!)
So the Demon Seed is No.3 in my Top 5 Spooky Robots countdown.
The films premise is an intelligent, thought provoking one, but one which I think is not fully exploited due in large part to production values. Originally a novel by Dean Koontz, it is still worth a read or in fact a watch.
Tune in to Spooky robot No.2 in my next blog.
Big D out.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Logan's Drub

Its been mentioned once before, but for the sheer creepiness of the robot in it, I will invoke the film again:
Logan's Run.
Now dont get me wrong, It hasn't been mentioned twice in this blog because I think it was the best that sci-fi had to offer in the 70s and not because it is one of my all time favourites, but it does have what I consider to be one of the spookiest fucking robots ever!
His design, his movement, his wierd, spaced out, dialogue, the fact he likes to freeze humans and feed them to the unsuspecting populace above, and of course his super-creepy catchphrase:
'Fish and plankton, and seagreens and proteins from the sea....'
A harmless enough sentance, but said with such insidious intent, it makes my flesh crawl.
His poetic, monologue and lyrical waxing about his birds and the wind whispering his name is beautiful but has such fatalistic undertones. Like someone trying to woo you before fatally raping you.

video

On my journeys through many a movie blog, the robot in Logan's Run seems to be much derided. Why? I have no idea. One assumes if these so-called critics are splashing about in the vast sea of 70s sci-fi they must at least like or have an understanding of the genre. If so, the merit of this most creepiest of robots would be apparent.
Saying that though, a reader had commented on one blog saying:
'If they all lived their lives in a domed city, how comes Michael York's character has an English accent?'
Fuck me... Who are we dealing with here? Because you mother sucks cocks in Hell, thats why.
Please express your disgust at the writer and the moronic reader who left a comment at: Movie Blog: Logan's Run
Anyway, 'Box' for that be his name is No. 4 in my Top 5 Creepy Robot countdown. Can they get any creepier? Tune in to my next blog to find out.
Big D out.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

C-Creepio!

ROBOT.
Tempting to think it might be an acronym like LASER (Light Amplification through Stimulated Emission of Radiation), the word is actually Czech, and means simply worker or slave.

Zombie-like in cadence and mannerisms. Slow, ponderous and unswerving in their loyalty to their maker.... and paradoxically ready to run amok and kill their maker at the drop of a hat, is perhaps how we see the classic robot. But the image, role and perception of the robot has changed myriad times through sci-fi history. One thing though, has always remained a constant for me. Some are cool, some are cute, some are even humourous. But they are all.... CREEPY. Brrrrr... (shiver)
To illustrate my feelings here starts the Top 5 Creepiest Robots countdown.

Now I suppose the first of movie's creepy robots has to be Maria from Fritz Lang's Metropolis (1927), but then again every single character from every black & white movie from the 1920s is creepy. Those silent, googley-eyed, actors, with their over-the-top physical gestures and the camera speed giving their movements a frantic, jittery air of the maniacal is enough to creep out the person who knitted Freddy Kreugers sweater.

The imposing and impenetrable, mute, brute, Gort from  The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) is another example. Klaatu Barada Nikto. I hear you say. A phrase that would echo down through cinema history. Toys, Army of Darkness, Tron are a few films which make use of the (para)phrase.


Now Im going to get in so much trouble for my first entry at No.5 in the Creepiest Robots countdown.
Hell, I may even get death threats.
C-3PO. There I said it.

I know him and love him like an uvuncular metal man. I can even quote most of his memorable lines from the original trilogy.
But this is one uncle I wouldnt leave alone with my kids.
Having a camp robot is creepy enough, but there are times when his neurotic campness just spills over into Creepsville. The fact that he walks like Peggy Bundy doesnt help either. And he constantly wears that expression of mild alarm. Like that of a post-pooper whose finger has just breached the integrity of some cheap toilet paper.
Then to have him walking around (ro)bot naked with all his bits and workings showing in the prequel, like some wierd and shameless naturist was the vertiable LED on the circuit board.

'Remember R2, this is our little secret. You dare to tell Master Luke and you'll get sent to Anchorhead or I'll let those horrible Sandpeople touch you again... you know how you hate when those Sandpeople touch you... those rough hands... not like me R2.... not like me....'
And God only knows what happened in that cramped, little escape pod on the way down to Tatooine.

There you have it. Creepy Robot No.5 - C3PO
Tune in to my next blog as we get even creepier!
Big D out.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Why I do the NerDgasm Quiz.

Fuck the schmultz! I love it!
I honestly do. Sure, overcrowding, tie-breakers, awkward publicans and soho crack-heads all stress me out and sometimes throw a spanner in the works, but its just a question of taking the spanner back out and hitting them over the head with it!
At the end of the night, if everyone has had a good time and enjoyed my merry NerDgasm Shenanigans then its all worth it.
NerDgasm is about riding a Grifter over to your mates after you'd watched Tizwaz when you were 10 years old.

Its about remembering how you felt when Darth Vader stepped onto the Blockade Runner in the opening 10 minutes of A New Hope. Its about how cool it was to see Hulk rip Wolverine in half and throw his legs up a mountain.

Sweaty hands clutching a d20,

the last level on Manic Miner, watching Doctor Who save the Universe again, opening a He-Man action figure, playing Top Trumps.....

All this and much more.

Its been going for well over a year now, and Im pleased to say it does have a devoted following, I think partly because there is nothing quite like it.
Where else can you listen the theme of Robocop, answer questions on how the Death Star's thermal exhuast port should be targetted and top it off with a talk about the rape scene in Marshall Law?

All this amongst the gentle company of other nerds.
It made my heart well with emotion to see two people actually playing Magic the Gathering when I arrived for the last NerDgasm quiz on Sunday. Truly, this is a special advent. It has perhaps become larger than me (although thats quite difficult) and is hopefully now about what each nerd brings to every NerDgasm. A point also labelled when a member of one team yelled a lamentful 'KHAAAAAAAAN....' as they slipped from 3rd place to 4th place when the scores were finally announced.


When I  first started it, I wanted to make it like a favourite TV programme that no nerd would ever want to miss. Hopefully this has worked on some level.
I personally work better under pressure, so although I have a basic framework for the quiz and have a pretty good idea whats going into each one, I usually leave everything to the last minute and frantically write questions, edit film clips and collect the sound bites a day or so before the quiz. I also do this as sometimes when new guests confirm attendance, I add questions that I think they will enjoy, and try at least to make what I think will be an even playing field. This has actually proved to be disastrous. I change questions, compile a new picture round, accomodate for the extra people, print extra sheets, add more prizes and fill more sweety bags only to find the bastards dont even turn up.
The worst fuckers are the nerds that I have spoken to, that I know would actually enjoy the NerDgasm if they could get their scrawny asses along, but instead whinge and whine about their barely adequate psychic defenses, saying: Im not very good at answering questions. Ooh what would the other nerds think if I got a question wrong? My skin begins to flake if I dont update my facebook page every 5 minutes. FUCKERS!
I also enjoy shopping for the mutlifarious prizes that feature every NerDgasm.
The prizes are a combination of things that I come across in shops and things I actively search for or find on eBay.
The sweets are now a permanent addition also, since they were added at the Halloween Quiz and seemed to go down so well. They are hand picked by me and lovingly placed in those stripey, paper bags that you all know and love.
May I just make a little reminder that the NerDgasm is 100% me. Its costs dearly of my time and funds, but the kudos I get in return is all worth it. The people I have met and the friends Ive made, and the friends that have been made by others, is really what the night is all about...... Oh ok. The night is about proving that you a far better than any of the other nerds that would even dare try to answer a question on She-Hulks cup size.

Vive la difference! Vive le NerDgasm!
See you for fun, friendship, and fuckery at the Easter NerDgasm!

Monday, 14 February 2011

Sweeeeet Caroline!


My First Lady of Fantasy!
Hot enough to fry bacon on that gorgeous mid-section is the perfectly formed Caroline Munroe, who comes in at my Primo slot.
As if starring alongside Doug McClure in ‘At the Earth’s Core’

as a savage, animal-skin clad, heaving vision of beauty, wasn’t enough, she also heaved her way through the Golden Voyage of Sinbad with her two fleshy hemispheres of delight almost bursting through her sequined ensemble,

was the deadly, seductively winking, chopper pilot, Naomi, in The Spy Who Loved Me, and was the only redeeming feature of one of the worst films, sci fi or otherwise, in existence: Star Crash, where she gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘curved space’.
John Williams score, Christopher Plummer stars, but it all starts to go down-hill once David Hasselhoff turns up…. Nah! Come to think of it the whole fucking film from beginning to end is a pile of feculence, Hasselhoff or otherwise. Please watch it if you like drumming your fingers, rolling your eyes and saying ‘for fuck sake!’
She also starred in innumerable horror movies, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter and Dracula AD 1972 being two, among my favourites.
Worth noting is that she refused countless offers, during her career, to pose showing her beaver, split or otherwise. Her long term contract with Hammer for instance, had her turn down the lead roles in Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, and Vampirella because they required nudity. It is also perhaps worth mentioning that she holds the distinction of being the only woman ever undeniably killed by James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me.
Here she is still grinning and looking lovely at 61 years of age. Undauted by the hordes of sweaty nerds that must surround her at this fantasy convention.

The type of bird you would have married and still not been disappointed 30 years later. Cuh! I bet she wouldnt even mind rummaging through your old dusty back issues with you on a Sunday afternoon.
Gawd Bless her and all who sail in her!

I hope youve enjoyed oggling this flesh-fest as much as Ive enjoyed compiling it.
Please continue to tune in for the finest in all thing Nerdish!
Big D out.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

GET YOUR ROCOS OFF!


Cleo Rocos (Rocco) is a joyful, vision of bountiful, bouncing, playful, delight. Kenny Everett’s faithful sidekick to the end; they say there’s nothing sexier than a woman with a sense of fun and a sinful sense of humour, and Cleo had that… and much more.
Early, saucy memories/mammarys of Cleo and the Hot Gossip girls on The Kenny Everett Show gave me the archetype of what I thought a woman should be like. Curvey, bouncy and fun. Rather like those inflatable castles.





Her antics on TV and the much forgotten film: Bloodbath at the House of Death, have ensured her a place in my heart, and in the top 10 Retro Nerd Babes. This half Greek, Brazilian born, boob laden, beauty, bounces in at a very respectable No.2
I once met her, and she was as divine in person as I could ever have imagined her. She called me ‘A big, noodley thing…’ and I loved her more for it. Aaaah to be Cleo’s Big Noodley thing.
She even let me phone my brother so he could talk to her as well (or rather pant heavily down the phone). She was just pure and genuine class, accompanied by two of the most familiar and well loved bosoms from my childhood.

Please tune in to my next blog for my final installment of the Hot Retro Nerd Babes Countdown!
Big D out.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Dusk till (soft) Porn

The lucky No.3 spot in our Top 10 Hot, Retro, Nerd, Babe Countdown is:


Ok. Now I might get some stick for giving this particular hot, babe the label: retro.
But... it was 15 years ago that my senses were first sexually assaulted by the vision that was Salma Hayek, emerging from a red, steamy aperture, with a symbolic, writhing, albino serpent, coiled sensually around her neck.
The little known name of her character was Santanico Pandemonium and the film was of course: Dusk till Dawn.

1996. Yes, that long ago. I remember having to wipe the saliva from my chin and lock myself in the toilet for 5 minutes, after that particular scene. She was nothing short of a fantasy vision, the like of which I thought was reserved only for when such artists as Frank Frazetta put pencil to paper. Just looking at her hips and thighs makes my hernia start to play up.
There is little more to say after that, other than express my utter disappointment at what she then became.

Errrrr.... Do any of you still recognise her? Yes, it is still Salma Hayek. Minus the whole lot woman flesh that made her the most sumptuous piece of pant arousing totty of the late 90s. When will the fashionistas of today realise that men do not like their women to look like pre-pubescent boys.
Well... men not of the clergy anyway.

Ok gents, loosen your pants and gaze in sexual awe at the Santanico Pandemonium snake dance!



Tune in to my next blog for some more nostalgic mammaries!
Big D out.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Jungle-Beast-Bond Babe!

The athletic poise, and taut physique of a panther. The striking blue eyes. The hairstyle that could withstand an attack from a Sabre-Tooth Tiger....


It can be no less than Tanya Roberts. An 80s uber-babe that takes no less than 4th place in my Hot Retro Nerd Babes Countdown.
Now, shame on you if you havent experienced her in any of her sexy incarnations. Replacing Shelley Hack in the final series (5) of Charlies Angels, absolutely stunning in fantasy romp Beastmaster,

showing even more rippling flesh in Sheena: Queen of the Jungle,

This shot made her gynaecologist blush.
and appearing where every good sex bomb should, as a Bond Babe, in View to a Kill.
She was one of the most popular sex symbols of the 80s.
The soft porn thriller Inner Sanctum seemed a little bit of a fall from grace in 1991, but there was little that the Bronx born, babelicious Tanya could have done that would have upset me, short of announcing she was actually a man in drag. (Although there were some shots in that particular film which would have made that statement highly unlikely.)
As is evident in my babe countdown, animal skin bikinis seem to play a big part in my formative titillation. But what can I say? Nothing says: Lets go behind that bush and make mad, passionate, animal sex... until we're caught, more than an animal skin bikini.
Please watch the trailer of one my favourite appearances of Tanya, and one of my favourite fantasy films of all time: The Beastmaster.


Tune in to my next blog for the lucky No.3 spot.
Big D out.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Bar-Bar-Bar, Bar - Barbarella

Jane Fonda's gorgeous, big haired, free-lovin', hippychick, space vixen takes a stand (or rather doggy postion) at our number 5 spot.
Now Ive got to be really honest and say I didnt see this semi-erotic, space tale until only a few years ago.
Ok. It did look dated, but I thought in a rather pleasant and nostalgic way. It still seemed to retain some of the hippy sentiments of the 60s and you even get more than one glimpse of Jane's perfectly, pert Boobarellas!
French and English versions were shot simultaneously, with Jane (being a fluent French speaker) doing her own lines in French. Let me say she is even sexier when speaking en Francais - ooh la la!

All said, the sex scenes are non explicit, but what did it for me was the scene where she is strapped into the Ex-sex-sive machine which is played like an organ (whoops, double-entrendre alert!) and adminsters sexual pleasure in doses that can be lethal. Well, the poor machine cant keep as Barbarella writhes and moans in ecstasy, and overloads. BOOM!
De Laurentis would return to camp sci-fi with the 80s classic Flash Gordon.
My only comparable Barbarella fantasy would be meeting a loved-up, tripped out sci-fi hippychick after having smoked too many Beatles records and perhaps having supped from a cup of  psychedelic fungus. I mean, I’ve been to enough festivals, taken enough dubious substances, and let my personal hygiene drop below the norm to tell you that drug-induced, free love aint all it’s cracked up to be.
Here, watch the truly gorgeous, Jane Fonda give a tititalling, zero-g, strip-tease as 1968 sci fi cult classic babe, Barbarella...




Tune in to my next blog were it becomes obvious I have an animal skin bikini fetish.
Big D out.

Monday, 3 January 2011

Planet of the Babe!

Next up is Linda Harrison… Who?

Oh, that’s the bird from Planet of the Apes to you nerds. (Not to be confused with the Linda Harrison that competed in the Slalom canoing events in the 1970s)
That sultry, simpleton. That curvaceous, cave-woman who could barely say her name or write it in the ground with a stick, let alone give you a shopping list or nag you to an early grave.
N.. No.. Nooova… (You all remember the scene)
Every mans dream, all this neonate minded, sex bomb wanted to do is sleep, eat, draw stick pictures in the sand, and shag like it was 3950 something. (In-joke for Planet of the Apes fans)
I like the word ‘shag’ it sounds soft and furry, a bit like Nova’s bikini. Not the word ‘bonk’ which just sounds accidental. ‘Oh I’m awfully sorry for bonking you dear…’
Now, no disrespect to the women of today, but if someone wanted to fire me into space to return to a future Earth conquered by violent Apes.... wait for it...  in which aforementioned Apes tethered me to Linda Harrison as her life partner, I would probably go for it.

And get this! She was also the first actress to play a live-action Wonder Woman in 'Who's afraid of Diana Prince' in 1967
Anyways, Linda is my Retro Nerd Babe No.6 who appears in both the Planet of the Apes and Beneath the Planet of the Apes, and cuts a damn, fine figure as Nova in her furry bikini ensemble. Although in all fairness to all the other actors, that’s not too hard when the rest of the cast are dressed as chimps.

Tune in to my next blog for our half-way point, and check out who is No.5 in the Top 10 Hot Retro Nerd Babes Countdown!