Planet of the Babe!

Next up is Linda Harrison… Who?

Oh, that’s the bird from Planet of the Apes to you nerds. (Not to be confused with the Linda Harrison that competed in the Slalom canoing events in the 1970s)

That sultry, simpleton. That curvaceous, cave-woman who could barely say her name or write it in the ground with a stick, let alone give you a shopping list or nag you to an early grave.

N.. No.. Nooova… (You all remember the scene)

Every mans dream, all this neonate minded, sex bomb wanted to do is sleep, eat, draw stick pictures in the sand, and shag like it was 3950 something. (In-joke for Planet of the Apes fans)

I like the word ‘shag’ it sounds soft and furry, a bit like Nova’s bikini. Not the word ‘bonk’ which just sounds accidental. ‘Oh I’m awfully sorry for bonking you dear…’

Now, no disrespect to the women of today, but if someone wanted to fire me into space to return to a future Earth conquered by violent Apes.... wait for it...  in which aforementioned Apes tethered me to Linda Harrison as her life partner, I would probably go for it.

And get this! She was also the first actress to play a live-action Wonder Woman in 'Who's afraid of Diana Prince' in 1967

Anyways, Linda is my Retro Nerd Babe No.6 who appears in both the Planet of the Apes and Beneath the Planet of the Apes, and cuts a damn, fine figure as Nova in her furry bikini ensemble. Although in all fairness to all the other actors, that’s not too hard when the rest of the cast are dressed as chimps.

Tune in to my next blog for our half-way point, and check out who is No.5 in the Top 10 Hot Retro Nerd Babes Countdown!

Gorilla Warfare!

Early, early, early, memories of Planet of the Apes. Vague and gossamer. Images of the TV show blurred unrecognisably with the movies. A photo of a 4 year old at Selfridges with Urko and Cornelius standing either side. A photo I sadly no longer have.

Planet of the Apes must have had quite an effect on me. In the photo I look absolutely petrified as these two heavily made-up, ape-men tower menacingly over me, but I remember being resolute enough to go and stand next to them and have my photo taken, just for the kudos. Magical memories.
I have of course seen the quintology of the Planet of the Apes countless times from boy to man and know and love them like old friends. The 1974 TV show Im not as familiar with but seem to remember the protagonists being a sort of Starsky and Hutch - blonde, brunette - arrangement. Apparently the show was unpopular and cancelled in the States, but ran for its full series here in the UK and was shown again in 1994 by Channel 4.
So ingrained was Planet of the Apes in my head as a kid, that I distincly remember watching TV and hearing a report of guerilla warfare in Africa. Not being old enough to discern the word 'guerilla' from 'gorilla', I immedeately thought the Planet of the Apes scenario was now an inevitability. After much screaming and shouting and no small amount of fuss, my mum finally assured me that guerilla warfare was a very different thing from what I imagined.
The films make for good watching (some better than others), and even with todays special effects and make up there is still something magical about the original costumes that doesnt make them feel dated. Sure nit-pick if you must, but the handful of chimp faeces that Tim Burton threw in our faces in 2001 wont even be remembered in another 10 years time, when people will still be watching and enjoying the original films, not just for nostaglia reasons, but because they are good entertainment. Moments of special effects sewn loosely together with bad dialogue and wrapped in a horrendous plot are no substitute.
Here is one of my favourite lines from the original film:


Unfortunately, the final scene has become such a cliche it has lost all its power and gravitas. But try, if you can, to watch it as a member of an unsuspecting audience in a movie theatre, who is about to witness it for the very first time.
This is my seminal sci-fi moment No.2



Tune in to my next blog when we'll see what we all expected anyway.
Big D out.